More Sibling Rivalry!

Feb 05, 2013

child-rearing, Motherhood, sibling rivalry, Taboo Topics Discussed

I think that I hit a sensitive topic yesterday! My emails have been interesting. I posted about sibling rivalry. One mom wrote that if she started to discipline her 3 sons for sibling rivalry, she would never get anything else accomplished. Whew! I ‘hear’ her pain. Every child is different, and every situation is different, but her sons are all over 10 years old. and she was hoping that they would just grow out of it. Instead, she said it is getting worse. She figured that fighting came with having 3 sons. I agree with her on that point. Left to their own reasoning and flesh natures, our children will stay at the center of their universe. (I think that it is much harder to change a child’s heart in the tween and teen years, then in their early years, but it CAN done.) There are many adults who are still in that place. It is not a pleasant place to be. We were created to mirror God, and serve and walk in love, as He is Love.
So, yes, it is a lot of work to train our children. But even the act of training can bring us joy when we look at the bigger picture. If God has allowed us to be called moms, it can be our greatest joy and sense of fulfillment to know that we are part of God’s plan to raise an army to spread the good news of redemption. What could be greater?
I have seen, in my children, that if I can help them understand by the age of 4 or 5 that they were created to serve and walk in love, sibling rivalry becomes an almost nonexistent problem.
Yes, it was A LOT of work. But, SO well worth it!
What do you think?
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Bonni is the author of Mom By Example

9 Comments

Hannah February 5, 2013 at 8:57 pm

I've been struggling with sibling rivalry between my 5 year old daughter and 2 year old. The issue is mainly hers, not his. Her latest development is to tell him (with attitude) that she's bigger than him, inferring that that entitles her to do whatever she wants and have whatever she wants. Everyday, I've been having to talk with her about how being bigger than someone does not mean getting to lord it over them, but requires the bigger person to look out for and sacrificially care for the smaller one.
- Bonni February 11, 2013 at 4:47 pm
  
  Hi!!! I just 'found' your comment on my blog :( I wanted to share some tips that might help with the 5 year old. Affirm the 5 year old for as much as you can. Talk about how caring and loving she is. When she shows love to anyone, or shares, make a big deal of it! We want her to see herself as a lover and a helper. She's at a tricky stage where she wants to feel big, but still needs to be cuddled, and thought of as cute, just like a 2 year old. By affirming her loving character, she knows that she is valued and loved! I would try that, and I would also have preplanned times to spend with her, For instance, every day at 8:30 and 3:30 you take 15 minutes and do a puzzle together, or have a snack for just the 2 of you, etc. Those ideas worked for me! Hope that it helps! THanks for taking the time to comment! Bonni
Krista February 5, 2013 at 10:18 pm

So inspired! Thanks for the post!! I have realized over the years it feels so much easier to let things go, but I know I was called to be a Mom and to lead my children to Jesus. It's much harder to constantly be training them and leading them and teaching and talking to them. But I know it's so the Father's Heart!
- Bonni February 6, 2013 at 5:45 am
  
  I agree 100%. You are spot on!!!!!! I love the way you said it! It IS the Father's heart! Thanks for taking the time to comment! Bonni
Angie February 6, 2013 at 10:57 am

I needed this encouragement today. It is so easy to be lazy about training up my children . . . unless I keep the goal in sight.
- Bonni February 6, 2013 at 3:43 pm
  
  Yes! And remember, one minute at a time! One day at a time is just too long!!!!!! Thanks for taking the time to comment!
Jill February 7, 2013 at 11:10 am

I would also like to remind parents not to unknowingly let rivalry issues turn into more rivalry. What do I mean? 1. Don't refer to one kid as being the "good kid" and the other as being the "bad kid". Kids remember the labels we give them. 2. Don't assume the younger child is the victim and the older child is the instigator. Older kids will resent being blamed and younger kids will learn that they can be mean and get away with it just cuz they're the baby. 3. As the oldest of six, I really got resentful constantly hearing "Jill set an example for the younger ones!". Again, this let the younger ones off the hook and unfairly made me responsible for my siblings actions. 4. On the flip side, if you have kids that are on the sidelines and are NOT participating in a squabble, don't forget to acknowledge that, too. A quick whisper in the ear of "I'm glad you're remembering to be kind to day" or something like that works wonders in preventing rivalry the next time the temptation arises.
- Bonni February 7, 2013 at 1:56 pm
  
  Excellent advice!!!!!!! May I post your advice on my blog as a guest post???? LOVE IT! i'll wait to hear from you!
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